


A Decent Place to Shag

by SlyffindorHouse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M, Snarky Draco Malfoy, Told entirely in dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 07:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12979179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlyffindorHouse/pseuds/SlyffindorHouse
Summary: Harry and Draco just want to shag. The question, though, is where?





	A Decent Place to Shag

…“Mm,  _yes,_ right there…” 

“ _Huh_ , You like that, don’t you, Potter?”

“Merlin, yes!”

“STOP IT RIGHT NOW!”

“ _Ron_?!”

“Weasley, fuck off!”

“No! Harry, take Malfoy and leave! I can’t take one more night of listening to god-awful sex with a Slytherin!”

“But… Draco put up a silencing charm…”

“… Well, I was  _going_ to.”

“ _Draco_!”

“‘E never does, ’arry. “E  _wants_ us to ’ear ’ow ya cry out when ‘e’s buggerin’ ya.”

“Oh, god. This is why you always want to come to Gryffindor Tower. I  _knew_ you were lying about the ‘Gryffindor looking hot in his natural habitat’ comment!”

“Ugh. GET OUT!”

*******************************************

 

“A broom closet? How naughty…”

“Quick, close the door.”

“As you wish, oh golden one.”

“Mmm…”

“Oi! Occupied!”

“Oh, bloody hell!”

“Sorry, we’ll just—”

“Harry? Harry Potter? It is! It  _is_  Harry Potter!”

“Er… hi.”

“I’m Clive, and this is my girlfriend, Penelope. We just want to thank you for stopping He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and saving the world!”

“We’re  _huge_  fans…”

“Er, well, I wasn’t the only one fighting.”

“Sigh.”

“Shh, Draco.”

“You must feel so powerful…”

“Er. What are you doing?”

“She’s just having a bit of fun, eh?”

“Hands. Off. My. Potter.”

“Draco. Calm down.”

“His skin is so smooth... and his hair is so  _soft…”_

“I won’t tell you again.”

“Well… the broom cupboard  _is_ pretty big. I don’t see why we couldn’t all just—”

****************************************** 

“You shouldn’t have hexed them.”

“I bloody well did. You like it when I get possessive, don’t you? Say it.”

“ _Ah,_ yes—”

“Mmhm. Just like that, Potter…”

“Actually, you’re doing it quite wrong.”

“Likes it a bit rougher.”

“What the  _fuck!”_

“Ugh, not again— wait. What?”

“Prefers a twist, not a pull, on the head of his cock.”

“You should scrape a bit of teeth on the underside. Not too much, though, or he’ll squeal.”

“Did that sometimes on purpose. Liked the sound.”

“Pansy! Blaise! Shut the fuck up!"

“You slept with  _both of them?!”_

“It was before I met you!”

“We met when we were eleven!" 

“And me!”

“ _And Nott?!"_

“We’re leaving.”

**************************** 

“Harry, sweetheart… don’t walk away… come back… please?”

“I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it.”

“You knew I wasn’t a virgin when we first shagged, Potter.”

“But  _both of them? …_ you’ve never shagged Crabbe or Goyle, have you?”

“Don’t even joke about that. I never cheated on you. The others were before we started dating.”

“Promise?”

“A million times.”

“Mmm…” 

“Hhhh.”

“You will not harm Harry Potter!”

“OW! WHAT THE FUCK!”

“It’s okay, Dobby! Draco’s not attacking me! We’re… that is… er.”

“LET ME DOWN FROM HERE!”

“But Harry Potter looks upset!”

“Because you’re dangling my boyfriend from the ceiling! Put him down!”

“AHHH!”

“Um. Gently. I meant gently— Draco, no! You can’t hex house elves!”

“Bloody menace!”

“What is happening in Hogwart’s kitchen?”

“Is wizards needing house elves to make food?”

“Er, no, no. We’re sorry to wake all of you… house elves sleep, right?”

“We are making sandwiches for Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy.” 

“We don’t want any bloody sandwiches! We want a place to shag!”

“Draco!”

“Well, if they want to be so bloody helpful!”

“Sorry to wake all of you. Please, go back to bed.”

“Missy will take Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy to place to shag.”

“No, that isn’t—”

_CRACK!_

*********************************** 

“I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t still be green, Potter.”

“…ugh…”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“My stomach…” 

“Don’t you dare throw up!”

“Blegh…” 

“POTTER!” 

*****************************

“I’m sorry, Draco… you know I hate apparating! It’s even worse inside Hogwarts. Felt like I was being shoved upside down through a solid wall of Jell-O.”

“Of what?” 

“Never mind. Baby…”

“I’m never forgiving you. These are—  _were_ hippogriff skin! Do you have any idea how much they—”

“Kiss me.”

“You have vomit breath.”

 “Fine. Then I’ll use my mouth for something else... like  _this…_ or  _this...”_

“ _Fuck,_ Harry…” 

“…” 

“Gah!”

“Hah! You really  _do_ squeal!”


End file.
